The Working Diary of Santa’s Chief Elf
The Rise of Working Class Militancy on the Christmas Production Line.
So after successfully petitioning for the post of Master Elf in Santa’s grotto, I have put to the management, (Mr. and Mrs. Claus) my proposals to take our operation into the 21st Century.
Forthwith all the antiquated titles of earlier years will be changed to better fit our new, Politically correct, hi-tech operation. Therefore the post of Master Elf will now be known as Shop Floor Production Foreman.
The Circle of Elf Elders will be known as the Work’s Council and Arbitration Committee.
The label, “Santa’s Elves” is deemed far too feudalistic for a modern day working environment and I propose the designation, “Entertainment and Recreational Construction Specialist” to replace the old, petit-bourgeois, throwback-to-serfdom designation.
I have the Work’s council on my side on this and I’m sure the management will see sense and back my proposals.
Addendum: Mr. Claus met my proposals with his customary, “Ho ho ho” and a joke about how clever I am despite my lack of formal schooling. He joked that I must be, “Elf taught”. But I think it’s a rubber stamp job on the name.
I have invited the Lapland Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals around to inspect our reindeer stables, much to the annoyance of the management.
For too long our four legged brothers have been consigned to the penury and embarrassing confines of the back yards and I am determined to see their efforts rewarded with better accommodation. I also want to see better medical care as up until now we’ve always given them “Elk-a-seltzer” as a reindeer cure-all which simply isn’t good enough; we need a proper vet.
The Lapland Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals inspected the premises and agrees 100% with my proposal for new accommodation and better medical facilities.
Therefore I have had plans drawn up to build new accommodation blocks for our antlered allies, and a medical sick bay.
For the time being, during the building phase, the reindeers will have to be housed in the Elf sleeping quarters but I’m sure the Brothers won’t mind bedding down in the old stables for a while.
The management isn’t happy and was considering upping the workload to pay for the new stables but I quickly reminded him that the brothers work for free anyway and I wouldn’t want to have to call them out on strike.
Mr. Claus gracefully backed down with a superficial, “Ho ho ho” and a tired joke about how the bill will, “Sleigh” us all.
Revolution 1, Bourgeois Santa 0, me thinks.
Trouble with the local planning committee. Due to the fact that we have no specialised construction engineers among our ranks, we are going to have to import a labour force to build the new stables for us. Mr. Claus’s cheeks were redder than usual when I gave him the quote from the building firm I have hired and insists that we find a cheaper firm.
I only agreed when he agreed to my demand that the firm chosen has to be environmentally aware and a member of the Fair Trade Alliance. Though Mr. Claus agreed he refused me a “Ho ho ho”; a sure sign of disapproval. I don’t think that Santa, I mean the Management are wholly on my side with this one.
The workforce is now calling me, “The rebel without a Claus” behind my back.
I opted for a Russian firm to complete the building programme for us. Their website promised to fulfil all our criteria and I signed the contract in good faith.
So imagine my surprise this morning when the Elf Rights Commission visited this morning, along with an officer from the Lapland Immigration Control, to check on our paperwork and the visa status of the Russian builders.
Just read a letter from the Elf’s Rights Commission about the state of the Elf’s stables, I mean quarters. Not good, this could get tricky if they follow up on it and demand that we build them better accommodation. I tried to explain that it’ll only be for the duration of the building phase for the stables but they wouldn’t listen.
The real problem here is that if the Production Line Employees, (the Elves) get wind of it all, we could be looking at a major Class Action law suit here.
Senior management took it hard when he found out and it was double Eggnogs all last night. Mrs. Claus gave him a rocket this morning because he’d diddled the bed.
There’s a tasteless joke doing the rounds about Christmas Logs but I’m not going to go into it.
The brothers are refusing to work unless they get better accommodation and the Big Man is furious!
I told him it was his fault and if he had provided better sleeping arrangements for the reindeers in the first place then all of this trouble could have been avoided, but he isn’t having it.
It all seems to be spiralling out of control and it has all come to ahead because Ulf, one of the more effeminate Elves but a dedicated brother to the worker’s revolution woke up this morning with a nose so numb he thought it had fallen off. The other Elves were so taken with his plight that he’s become the poster boy for the Elf’s Rights Movement and the Elves can be heard singing,
“Red Ulf, the dead nosed Elf Queer”!
The brothers are on the barricades and the Management is in full panic mode. Two days until Christmas Eve and production has stopped.
The Russian builders have all been sent home without pay.
The Reindeer are fouling the Elf accommodation because nobody will clean up after them.
The Elves are going down like flies with colds and flu thanks to their substandard accommodation.
And to top it all off the Lapland Inland Revenue are considering doing an audit of our books because it turns out that the building firm were all working cash in hand!
However the brothers are in good spirits and have changed the lyrics to “Rocking around the Christmas tree” to:
“Russians home-bound, without their fee and we’re living in a hut.
Reindeer dung, everywhere and the Taxman wants his cut!”
That’s the working Elf’s spirit for you, indomitable!
Crisis meeting in the stables.
Rudolph, being the only speaking reindeer, was voted in by the committee to represent the Reindeer faction within the firm and has accepted terms to move back to the stables.
They demand more straw for bedding, more grooming, more moss and lichen to eat, more exercise and Rudolph personally wants a pay rise due to his extra duties as warning light, (as laid down in the International aviation law and regulations).
The elves will have to clear their accommodation themselves as it doesn’t seem to be in the reindeer contract that they have to muck themselves out.
The Elf’s Rights Commission are satisfied that the Elves will have proper accommodation.
The Lapland Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals are happy the reindeer are happy.
The Lapland Inland Revenue are happy now that the Russians are gone and production is about to start early tomorrow morning.
The Big Man was happy and actually forced a, “Ho ho ho” after the arbitration had been finalised, and cracked a limp joke about, “”Holly’s well that ends well.”
The Elves are working like clockwork to finish production in time for tonight. 400,000 toys and games finished in under twenty four hours! A production record that will be the bench mark for my proposed Five Year Plan in the new year.
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Dunder, Blixem and of course Rudolph are limbering up and making their pre-flight checks on the Sleigh, (or the Holly Davidson as Santa likes to call it).
So, all that’s left to be said is have a Merry Christmas all and a Happy New Year.